The Purge


No, I promise I’m not talking about the movie in this post. I hate scary movies!

I did it. I finally purged my closets and drawers of clothes that don’t fit me. I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile now, but as I was packing for our month long visit to Ohio, I was overwhelmed by the amount of clothing I have that I don’t wear.

It’s been a year since my daughter was born and I’ve realized—my body will never be the same. I felt like my body and weight went through a roller coaster with pregnancy, nursing, etc. I’ve lost most of the baby weight, but the shape of my body has completely changed. Yes, there are things I can still wear, but wow, how pregnancy changes you! Don’t get me wrong, I am beyond grateful that I was able to carry my child and would not trade that for anything!


One thing about me is I’ve always struggled with body image. Sadly, I even fell into an eating disorder in high school. I was a diver and cheerleader…the perfect sports for someone who likes to keep themselves fully clothed (not!!) It was also part of a control issue for me because of some other struggles going on in my life at that time. Even with cheerleading in college I had my downfalls.

For someone who has been through this, you know it’s not really about other women and how they look. Yes we compare ourselves, but when we look in the mirror, nothing is ever good enough. My skin is too saggy, my hips are too big, my cheeks are too chubby….and the list goes on. I look at other women of every shape and size and see so much beauty in them—but I struggle to see it in myself. 

But I made a promise to myself when Elaina was born. I would only say positive things about myself and body around her. I know how important it is for girls to hear their mother’s love for their own self. But man, I can tell this is going to be SO HARD. I know I am going to have to continuously work on this for the rest of my life. And I know it will only get harder with more children.


For the longest time I’ve had Psalm 139:13-15 taped to my bathroom mirror.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

Tolley_0017 copy


These words are a reminder to me, to you, to my sweet daughter, that each of us is perfectly made. Not one hair on our head is a mistake. The creator of the heavens and earth calls us by name and perfectly formed us. When I look at Elaina and think how perfect she is, I am reminded that God looks at me in a similar way, but with even more love.

Because of Christ, I am perfect in His eyes and so are you.



4 Responses to The Purge

  1. Jennifer says:

    Thank you for sharing! Body image and eating disorders absolutely aren’t (just) about weight and shape, and I struggle(d) with this too both before, during and after pregnancy. It is still hard feeling as though my body is no longer mine, which in some ways it isn’t. Most of my old clothes still fit but now I’m limited to nursing friendly styles (which I didn’t have a lot of) and sometimes when I’m frustrated I think, I just want to wear what I want!

  2. Nicky Allicock says:

    The trap of comparison will always leave a person wanting. We serve God in our hearts and mind. So many of our battles we face are mental. The scripture say for us to cast down imaginations. The first part of the word imagination… is image. Cast down images in our mind that try to control and limit what God has for you. You radiate so much more beauty than you know. Or will ever know just by being you. Thank you for sharing part of your journey.

Leave a Reply to Nicky Allicock Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *