I wrote the following post 2 days ago and a huge part of me wanted to delete it. But it is heavy on my heart to share our journey (all of it) with you.
And there is more at the bottom with updates from today.
Wednesday October 12, 2016
I’ve been MIA for the last 3 weeks and I’m sorry y’all! Our little one was sick and then we took an important trip back to Texas for a week…
To try for baby #2!
And for some of you you’re probably like, uh? Why do you need to travel to Texas to try for a baby?! Well you can read my post on our infertility journey here which should explain why. In a nutshell, we used IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and stored our extra babies in Texas where we used to live.
I have to admit to you, this is really hard for me to share because at this moment I still don’t know if “it worked” or if I’m pregnant. 2 years ago I didn’t even want to tell close friends I was pregnant from IVF, let alone write about it to the world.
Thankfully, Liz has been my personal counselor for the last few months though. I’ve struggled because it’s hard to decide when the right timing is for our next round of IVF. I want all of this to be God’s timing and IVF sometime seems like I’m taking too much control over having a baby. But ultimately, Liz reminded me that most couples “decide” or attempt to try for a baby at a certain time too; it’s just in a different way.
Regardless of what I do, the life of the little baby inside of me is already decided and God has planned all that is in our future and what will happen to this little baby.
So, this time around the process was less complicated. Basically, I called our fertility doctor in Texas and once my cycle started, I began taking estrogen pills. We scheduled an ultrasound for day 12 and booked our flights to Texas accordingly.
While in Texas, the first appointment was an ultrasound to check the thickness of my uterine lining to make sure I was going to be able to carry a baby. The doctor said everything looked good and we scheduled the embryo transfer for 5 days later. I started taking my progesterone injections after that appointment.
One big difference between our first round of IVF and this round, was this time we used a FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer.) We already had all our little babies from our initial IVF round.
While so many women do not have success getting healthy embryos to transfer let alone are able to store their remaining embryos, we have been very blessed.
So on the day of our transfer they took me to the procedure room, got our embryo from the lab through a window to make sure everything was guarded and secure, then the doctor transferred our embryo using a catheter. I had to lay still for about 30 minutes and then was good to go!
If you’ve ever seen the scene from the movie Baby Mama where she gets the embryos transferred it’s probably a pretty close example for people! Makes me laugh, which is good for me when I am going through all this!
(Just for clarification, they do not put you under anthesesia for the embryo transfer, nor do they typically transfer three embryos. The number of embryos transferred depends on their quality, previous IVF success rates, and the woman’s age.)
As I was contemplating writing about all this, I remembered how lonely and sad I was when dealing with our infertility for all those years. As I wrote before, I kept my feelings hidden, but that only made me more angry.
While we were in Texas last week, I saw two friends who were going through various forms of fertility treatments and it reminded me that if I can share my story, maybe it will offer someone else hope and remind them they are not alone. Something I desperately needed all those years ago.
Last week we only had one embryo transferred and here’s a picture of him or her!
Regardless of what the Lord has planned we see this as our baby #2 and already love him or her!
We were blessed to see friends back in Texas and share quality time with people we truly miss! Here are a few pictures from our trip. As always, I wish we had taken more pictures!
Update from today, October 14, 2016:
I woke up yesterday morning and took a home pregnancy test.
It was negative.
Something in my heart was kind of expecting this though. I cried of course. I let myself be sad. And in the midst of my feelings my thoughts went like this: “I truly am so thankful that we have more chances with other babies, but it still hurts.” “I’m still angry. Angry at the process, angry that my body fails me like this.” “I’m jealous of other women who can do this naturally.”
I don’t want to sound like a complainer, I’m just letting you in on my true feelings.
A part of me is fearful; fearful that we may never have another little one. It may be God’s plan. My precious Elaina may be my only biological child and I held her a little more tightly yesterday for that reason.
Again, it’s hard for me to say all of this, but I want other women dealing with infertility and loss to know they are not alone. There are so many women going through this, and they need someone to talk to.
I will work through all of my fears and feelings and my heart will heal. We will also try another round of an embryo transfer again. But for now, my heart is hurting.
As I was running an errand last night I heard the classic hymn All to Jesus I Surrender and the following words brought me some comfort in the midst of it all—
“All to Jesus, I surrender;
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live.
I surrender all, I surrender all,
All to Thee, my blessèd Savior,
I surrender all.
All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.”
I truly want to surrender all this to Jesus and trust him. This will continuously be my prayer.